If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably someone who is already at least thinking about money, and the way it is going to affect your marriage. However, there are still a lot of ideas that we here at NYC Prenup discuss frequently, just in our conversations around the offices and in our casual conversations after work. We think it would be good for our readers, clients, and potential customers to get an idea of why the money talk is so difficult, from our perspective, and what it says about the individual and the couple if one of the two of you just refuses to go there.
We also see a LOT of couples who feel that opening up their private financial documents to someone is more intimate than inviting them to dinner in their apartment. We understand, and agree. There is nothing to be nervous about in terms of privacy and safety, as all of your documents come through an encrypted server, directly to one of our lawyers, who personally handles all of your documents in his or her office, and they never travel anywhere outside of their desk, and back to yours.
The building blocks of any great relationship are all full of honest, and complete transparency in money matters is a way to put yourself out there and say, This is me. Here are mistakes I’ve made. Here are some good things I’ve done. Here are things that I’ve had to deal with to this point, alone, and now we are going to do it together.”
If you have a partner that doesn’t want to share, for example, his 2nd savings account that you’ve never seen, nor do you have access to, you’ve got to really address the questions there. That would be like finding a phone number in his pocket, and he won’t tell you whose it is. Or he leaves to go somewhere at night and tells you that you just don’t need to know where he’s going, it’s no big deal; he asks you to trust him.
Safety in a relationship comes from many attributes among the parties, but one of them is the sense that the other person takes your wellbeing into consideration at all times and wants to be responsible for protecting you from things that the world brings. Safety is knowing that the other person understands you, and won’t expose you to anything that would make you feel hurt, upset, or uncomfortable. Safety is giving you the peace of mind that he or she isn’t hiding anything.
Of course everyone has the right to a private life, private parts of his or her day, that is part of what keeps people grounded in their own identity and not codependent. However- and this is a BIG however- not when it comes to finances once you’re married! This is just asking for trouble. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, RED FLAG! If you don’t want to talk about it, write out the reasons why. Maybe you’ve talked about money in the past and it went poorly. Maybe you’re neglecting to share credit card debt, nervous that you will scare the other partner away, or the interest rate on your student loan. Give you partner the courtesy of knowing what they are dealing with, because they will be deailing with it, whether they know it or not.
A survey of New Yorkers showed over and over again that our number one stressor is money. We know, we know, you aren’t shocked by this. Even WE have told you before. But it certainly is something avoidable with a lot of open dialogue and some good planning. Financial stability reigns supreme when it comes to helping a relationship stay on solid ground and having the prenup talk will help build some of that foundation. Money determines how we are able to live, raise children, where we can live. It determines what we eat, where we eat, and the way we make decisions about buying presents, and making big ticket purchases can be a decision that you and your soon to be spouse want to come to an agreement on.
40 percent of women in the United States are primary earners in their home, and in New York City, the number changes is somewhere around 50%. And yet, women are still, even if they are the primary breadwinner, nervous to bring it up. The prenuptial agreement planning and completion process actually puts it in black and white terms that can help take the guesswork out of your financials. Putting it in perspective that way should help you make the decision to have the talk.
NYC Prenup attorneys are standing by to assist you with all of your prenuptial agreement needs. Contact us today!